An Immodest Proposal for Helping Displaced Economic Migrants of the World by Relocating them All to Canada

The widely ridiculed Mother Canada statue planned for Nova Scotia’s Cape Breton is going to be erected for the fallen Canadians of overseas conflicts. But it could very well be repurposed as our version of the Statue of Liberty; a welcoming beacon for the millions of displaced people scattered across the world. Mother Canada’s outstretched arms—facing the Atlantic—can embrace the war-ravaged and poor-stricken as they enter our land of peace. With a population of only 35 million and a land area of almost 10 million square kilometres, Canada has the space for the UN’s estimated 60 million forcibly displaced.

Since the blessed saint Angela Merkel decided her country has plenty of lebensraum and declared the Rhineland wide-open for 800,000 Syrian refugees, this year alone, the EU has experienced an intensified deluge of economic migrants.

Merkel’s commendable disregard of the draconian Dublin Regulation—along with the Schengen Area allowing the free flow of passport-less people throughout the EU—signaled to millions of dissatisfied, desperate, and displaced Middle Easterns and North Africans that free passage to a frontier of greener pastures was awaiting them.

Merkel’s generosity sadly reinforced Wilde’s cynical aphorism: no good deed goes unpunished. Xenophobic fascists have torched refugee accommodations, beaten asylum seekers and mobilized protests. But Merkel and her new makeshift policy cannot be blamed for the inhospitable behaviour of her bigoted compatriots.

At a press conference, one of these racists had the gall to question the wise German Chancellor’s resolution to take in a massive amount of the world’s displaced Muslims.

“[Y]our responsibilities is also to protect our own citizens in Europe…there is a great fear here in Europe because Islamization seems to…grow stronger. So…how do you…protect Europe?…[H]ow do you propose to protect our own culture from this?”

“…[U]nfortunately, the European Union has contributed myriad fighters as well [in Syria and Iraq]. And therefore we can’t just…say this…has nothing to do with us because those are people, sometimes very young people, who grew up in our countries, and this is where we bear also a responsibility. Secondly…fear has never been a good adviser, neither in our personal lives nor in our society. Cultures and societies that are shaped by fear, will without doubt not get a grip on the future,” replied Merkel.

As the childless and cool-headed chancellor looks to the future, she realizes her ageing nation needs replacement bodies to preserve itself as an economic powerhouse. Better to fill the nation with childbearing people than let it go uninhabited.

Merkel’s good deed also didn’t go unnoticed by organized crime. The deadly race to the land of Black Forest cake enticed swaths to take huge gambles. This is most likely what led Abdullah Kurdi to attempt smuggling his family and others across the tumultuous Mediterranean.

Shortly after images of Kurdi’s son’s lifeless body became ubiquitous worldwide and sparked international ire, Terry Glavin wrote a damning article in the National Post that claimed the Canadian federal government had blood on its hands. The boy’s aunt, a resident of Canada, along with an NDP candidate, Fin Donnelly, accused the conservative government of rejecting the family’s refugee application. Donnelly, in delirious re-election fever, claimed they had filled out the proper government documentation. However, it was later revealed they had only submitted an unofficial letter and never followed up on a government request for proper documents.

But, whatever the truth (the media mostly failed to retract), the political damage was done. The former Minister of Citizenship and Immigration was brought on CBC’s Power & Politics for an inquisition. The neutral host, Rosemary Barton, eviscerated the—in Glavin’s words—“jackass.”

As this unfolded in the midst of an election cycle, the media flamed the moral panic until it was a hot button issue on the campaign trail. Prime Minister Stephen Harper was pressed by Peter Mansbridge (many Canadians consider him to be our modern Cronkite).

“But are we doing enough?”

“What’s enough Peter? … There are millions—millions—of displaced persons that we know of whose survival—day-to-day survival is in jeopardy. Notwithstanding how terrible this is, there is no refugee-based solution alone to that problem. We’re not going to bring millions, tens-of-millions of people out of these regions, we can’t depopulate them, that’s not a solution. Obviously part of the solution is helping those that are most vulnerable, but we also need to counter the cause of this problem, which is a violent movement attempting to conquer an area, and kill and displace millions-and-millions of people.”

“But are we resigning our self to the fact that we are going to keep having to look at pictures like we saw the other day of that three-year old boy?”

In indignant indifference the hard-hearted Harper remains unmoved by ghastly images of a child’s death.

Liberal leader Justin Trudeau’s answer to the crisis was much more compassionate, suggesting Canada cease its combat role against ISIS (clearly not the root of the problem), take a humanitarian role in the region, and bring in 25,000 refugees. The NDP’s leader Thomas Mulcair upped the ante, agreeing in ceasing the combat mission, but also suggesting welcoming 50,000 Syrian refugees to Canada.

Though the latter two parties’ higher quotas are welcome change, the leaders should realize the migrant crisis will only intensify as civil war continues to cause mass exodus from the region as well as Jean-Claude Junker and EU parliament’s plan magnetizes the EU, attracting thousands-upon-thousands more economic migrants.

If Canadians really don’t want to resign themselves to looking at more horrific pictures, then we need to open our borders to the millions-upon-millions now eyeing Europe. Our former chief of defense stated the military could bring 50,000 refugees by cruise ship, if we scaled up the process we could bring them all.

Discrimination is a human frailty that should be eradicated wherever possible, but distinguishing and understanding the new arrivals will be key in their resettling in Canada smoothly. According to the UN, they are approximately 69 per cent men, 13 per cent children, and 12 per cent women. Half of them are actually Syrian, but the rest are predominantly from Islamic-populated nations.

After dealing with the basic living essentials, accommodating our new countrymen’s ideological beliefs will be of utmost importance.

Perhaps Sharia Law can be revisited for the Muslims of Ontario. Toronto SlutWalk attendees will need to dress in more modest attire and be vigilant in coming years. The Toronto Pride Parade will probably need to tone down festivities, if not disband entirely.

But again, Canadians pride themselves in multicultural tolerance, and we’ve got the land and the heart to accommodate all the world’s displaced.