Dear CBC: Colin Kaepernick’s Socks Rock The Socks Off Justin Trudeau’s Socks

Dear CBC Execs,

Let me start off by saying you are doing an exceptional job on covering the heroic saga of Colin Kaepernick’s Rosa Parks moments of bravery. But driving home today, while faithfully tuning in to CBC Radio One, I found it tremendously problematic that your news updates about Kaepernick didn’t mention his most recent act of daring valour: his wearing of socks covered in white pig cops.

I thought there must have been a simple mistake since I know you guys are still severely underfunded and understaffed, and the extra $150 million-a-year to your $1 billion-a-year federal funding is a drop in the bucket of what you guys deserve to reach your full potential (Artic Air would be a total hit show if it had a few more million for its special effects budget). So I checked on the CBC site and was perturbed to see zero CBC pages–out of 1,600 results for keyword search of “Kaepernick”–on Kaepernick’s dazzling socks.

Despite my disappointment, I still tuned in to CBC Radio’s “q” podcast this afternoon.

(I know last time I wrote you I declared I was boycotting the show after you execs racistly fired the African-Canadian Shad aka Shadrach Kabango–all while hiding your minority-oppressing-agenda with the excuse that he had lost the 28 per cent of “q”‘s listeners that are clearly bigots–but I will hold off on my “q” ban until the delightful interim host and coloured-person, Piya Chattopadhyay, is replaced by the bland, cis, heterosexual, heteronormative, privileged WASP and non-coloured-person, Tom Powers (even his surname denotes his white patriarchal power for god’s sake! [No disrespect meant towards Muslims’ God, Allah–peace be upon him–of course. By the way, great job not showing those Eurocentric drawings desecrating Muhammad drawn by those asked-for-it murdered cartoonists.] I still can’t believe you’ve axed Shad after you picked him for his illuminating rap lyrics and African “heritage”. I thought you prejudiced CBC execs would be aware from Canadaland’s recent exposé, “Just How White is the CBC?”, that you have a lack of diversity crisis! You need to put out more “any race but Caucasian” job postings like you did that one time. And don’t try and justify you’re inexplicable firing of Shad by saying he remains part of the CBC family and that he’ll have a new show. Be honest, you’re taking him off his prominent spot on a prime-time show because you want to ghettoize him. It’s a disgrace, you closeted white supremacists.)

Anyway, today’s “q” episode brightened my day when the brilliant Piya announced that she and the “sports culture panel” were going to discuss the Kaepernick controversy and his hegemony-defying socks.

I was relieved to find out that everyone on the panel was “team Kaepernick”. I always feel like I’m in my safe space when listening to CBC Radio because all of the hosts and guests think the right way and come to the correct consensus right from the start.

The agreeable panel was right on the money that the “biracial” Kaepernick is an eloquent and articulate messenger of truth.

“[H]e gave this really thoughtful answer about how he doesn’t want to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses people’s colour and he has continued explaining thoughtfully on his twitter account ever since then.”

The host of “q” also picked such a succinct quote of Kaepernick’s that will go side-by-side Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” in the annals of history, and it’s worth repeating.

“I mean ultimately it’s to bring awareness and make people, you know, what’s going on in this country. There are a lot of things that are going on that are unjust and people aren’t being held accountable for. And that’s something that needs to change. That’s something that–you know–in this country that stands for freedom, justice, liberty for all. And it’s not happening for all right now.”

Damn good poetry. Right up there with “Drakespeare”, as CBC so rightfully nicknamed the modern-day bard, Drizzy.

The “q” panel was also so correct in pointing out how the millionaire players like Kaepernick are exploited.

“A lot of people in the NFL are sympathetic to Colin Kaepernick. A lot of us who have been polling NFL players and general managers, the distinction is so incredibly stark, it says volumes about an NFL where 68 per cent of the players are black, 17 per cent of the coaches are black, and 24 per cent of front office executives are black, and zero per cent of owners are black. And you see how this absence of diversity tickles it’s way down.”

The panelist was so on point to point out that the 12.5 per cent of African Americans in the US are over-represented in the NFL’s lowly ranks of millionaire players, coaches, and execs, but that there are ZERO black owners. Jay-Z, Kanye, and Oprah need to break this glass ceiling of injustice. The panelist should’ve just come out and said it: NFL owners are the modern-day plantation owners and the multimillion-dollar-a-year-contracted players, like the overpaid, bench-sitting Kaepernick, are the slaves. Like the one panelist pointed out, fans and owners just “want players to be savages.”

The “q” panelists kept speaking truth to power when they highlighted Kaepernick’s brilliance and dismissed his racist detractors.

“Look, Kaepernick’s future, I think he is playing chess, I think he’s got this mapped out five moves in advance…what he’s trying to do, really clever… So many of the right wing hacks in the media they play chess like they’re Wreck-It Ralph, like, ‘DUHHH, DUHHH, DUHHH.’ You know, every move. And he’s playing three-dimensional chess. It’s going to be fascinating going forward.”

I love it when CBC panelists don’t beat around the bush when addressing the stupid and inherent racism of all conservatives–“conservative and/or racists” as another “q” guest put it. CBC has been great at filtering out all the nasty American rhetoric when looking through it’s rose-coloured lenses at Kaepernick. The “q” guests were correct in not giving raving nitwits, like this Paul Joseph Watson guy, the time of day. I’m glad the “q” panelists ignored how Kaepernick once got fined for calling an opposing player the N-word. Kaepernick was clearly just shouting out to a bro, it’s not his fault the racist NFL misunderstood. I also commend the panelists virtual omission of Kaepernick’s adoption by a white family. Moronic conservatives misconstrue Kaepernick’s protest as showing ingratitude to his adoptive family, employer, and nation; they don’t realize how miraculous it is that Kaepernick has remained this woke to his oppression, considering the brainwashing and whitewashing he must’ve gone through growing up, and the complacency millions of dollars can induce.

The “q” panelists did a great job downplaying the grand-master Kaepernick’s demotion to backup QB last season, probably because they know its part of the mastermind’s elaborate plan to suddenly rise up from mediocrity to become an all-star quarterback again, all while being a social justice warrior fighting for the many injustices throughout America. If the super-talented Kaepernick gets released by the NFL we’ll all know why. It’ll be because the owners wanted to gag a messiah of our generation under the false pretext of poor performance; his martyrdom will not be in vain.

Finally, 18 minutes into the “q” segment, the moment I’d been waiting for, Piya got to the trailblazing socks.

“We wanted to mention Kaepernick’s socks. He had been wearing these socks that have cartoon pigs with police caps on top of them. It’s come to light and people are saying, ‘Look at this guy, he’s such a terrible human being.’ But one thing that stands out for a lot of us–and I don’t follow the NFL that closely–is whether it’s other players or NFL execs or his former coach, who have been criticizing Kaepernick for stepping out of line, the thing that stands out for me–and many other controversies in the NFL–is the desire for this league to maintain control. What is the league so worried about?”

I was hoping Piya’s question was rhetorical, but the panelists were sidetracked from discussing Kaepernick’s magnificent culture jamming socks, and instead tried explaining why the sinister NFL owners want complete control over their multi-billion-dollar-valued league’s brand.

I couldn’t believe CBC failed again on reporting this radically cool act of rebellion. I thought they were sure to cover it as rhapsodically as they did our dear leader’s stylish socks. (Speaking of our dear leader–the natural successor and son to our nation’s deceased supreme leader–I loved the news on how he coached basketball with Denis Rodman in Beijing, and that the Chinese think he’s brilliant and handsome. I’m sure he wowed fans with his slam-dunking skills, too.)

Anyway, Kaepernicks clever cotton homage to Black Lives Matter was amazing and it’s a shame you CBC execs failed to cover it after the attention you gave Trudeau’s socks. Blacks are getting shot on the street by cops like almost as much as they are shot by one another. Never mind that stupid Harvard study that found whites are shot more than blacks by cops, and at almost a similar rate population-wise. What do people from Harvard know? Also, that Uncle Tom police chief in Dallas said some traitorous things about the BLM movement’s rightful hatred of all these pig cops.

“What we’re trying to do here is above challenging. It is. We’re asking cops to do too much in this country… Every societal failure, we just put it off on the cops to solve. Not enough mental health funding. Let the cop handle it. Not enough drug addiction funding, let’s give it to the cops. Here in Dallas we have a loose dog problem. Let’s have the cops chase loose dogs. Schools failed, give it to the cops. Seventy per cent of the African American community is being raised by single women, let’s give it to the cops to solve that as well. That’s too much to ask, policing was never meant to solve all those problems. And I just ask for other parts of our democracy as well as the free press to help us–to help us and not put that burden all on law enforcement to resolve.”

What a useful and totally unwoke idiot for the white oppressors. Single-parent families can be just as effective in raising children as the outdated nuclear family. This stereotype needs to be debunked and stamped out.

Look, it’s obvious there is an epidemic of racist white cops going around hunting and slaughtering stand-up black citizens with reckless abandonment. This is a black and white issue. All cops are pigs and all blacks are innocent victims, end of story. So execs, CBC is pretty good at presenting the objective truth, but in this case you need to set the record straight and give wall-to-wall coverage of Kaepernick’s socks.

Yours faithfully,

A Devoted CBC Listener

PS: I forgot to mention how great it was when the “q” panelists mocked the talentless Tim Tebow–a Christian redneck relic of last century–for being a failed try-hard QB (something the great Kaepernick will never end up as) and for attempting a new career as a professional baseball player. What a loser!

PPS: Also loved how the one “q” panelist pointed out that Kaepernick’s admirable act of sitting during the national anthem has nothing to with the military and that wars have nothing to do with the rights Americans are afforded by the constitution.

“This whole thing has terrified me. Absolutely terrified me. Because this has been a protest about police violence, and it has turned into something where it’s like Colin Kaepernick versus the military. That’s been imposed on this. As if we have our freedoms because of the military and not because of the constitution. That’s a very disturbing mindset.”

Exactly. Those impatient Yankees didn’t have to fight in the American Revolution to gain independence (or the American Civil War to free slaves). They could’ve just politely done another century of servitude, paying the leaching United Kingdom until finally given permission to be independent, like we did. The World Wars didn’t mean much either in the preserving of their constitution.

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2 thoughts on “Dear CBC: Colin Kaepernick’s Socks Rock The Socks Off Justin Trudeau’s Socks

  1. This is the best take on the CBC I’ve ever read! I try to sometimes tune into CBC radio just to see how whacked out they can be, but I can rarely stand an entire show. Thank you for this hilarious take on a bunch of government paid kookaid drinkers.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This writer is brilliant, maybe he should get a government grant to further expound on the ineptness of the valiant CBC employees struggling to make ends meet all the while enlightening the great unwashed.

    Liked by 1 person

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